From Outside the Camp

Last night I went to see the showing of "From Outside the Camp". It was Bais Yaakov D'Rav Meirs high school production from 2003, that the Chofetz Chaim Heritage Foundation has been promoting all over the world. The theme, to show how powerful your words are. It was a very good play, good actresses and the point drove home. The hard way. It was really amazing to see it.
I had a choice last night. Go to Walmart with my sister-in-law, or go to the play. I first chose Walmart as it is not so close, I wanted to go, and didn't want to go "out" myself to the play. Before the designated time that I was planning on going out, my friend called and asked if I was going to the video presentation as I had mentioned it to her on Shabbos. She was going with her neighbor and was offering to pick me up. Great opportunity to go with friends to something I heard was phenomenal to see. So I quickly called to cancel the shopping trip as I can do that another time. This was my night to "learn".

I remember high school performances as my school put one on every other year. Ours was mostly a musical, as others had a story line but had dance and choir as well. This one was different. This had one choir once! In the beginning. Then the rest was straight acting. No dances. No choir that came on stage to sing. Lots of actresses and even little kids go to be in it. I really wonder how it was presented on stage in real life. They had some scenes that involved the ocean, and someone's house, and a walk...And that was NOT done on stage.

The storyline in short: There was only one valedictorian. She had the highest grades, best middos, etc the best there was. The seniors were talking about how a wonderful girl she is an all around girl that surely deserved this honor with her perfect score. Her best friend who worked harder and had a different life style than her was upset because this year the school chose only one person to speak instead of the usual 2-4 girls (salutatorian, etc) so she made a comment that it doesn't come like that for some. Someone else not part of the girls overheard the conversation, and repeated it to someone on the phone that the valedictorian didn't deserve the honors. The girls go on to seminary where the valedictorian is accused of stealing a test paper before the test. She goes home for Pesach and stays home. Cries to her best friend about how hard it was. She lands a teaching job via her daddys connections. She has a date, and the night she is supposed to get engaged, the boys parents hear this horrible information where the future kallah is a stealer and lies and where does she learn it from? Her father. So they break off the planned engagement. Life goes on. Of the two girls the other gets married and has two kids. Meanwhile this girl gets shidduchim that don't mind going out with a girl who steals or lies. None of them are suited for until..
One day she is red' a great guy. Everything is ready for them to go out, but his aunt says NO! She heard at the girls graduation how she didn't deserve to get the honors and refuses to let her precious nephew date this horrible girl. The mother of the girl goes to the best friend and says Please help us. Please find out what was said at that graduation and find out who said it. Please! You don't know the gehenom that this girl has been going through. After the mother leaves, the best friend rethinks back years ago at her graduation. She thinks about the words that was said. She thinks of her friendship...And the comments and then realizes that it was SHE who has said those horrible words. She made a comment that was in turn misinterpreted by someone who over heard the comment. The innocent comment of how the work didn't come just like that...It was misconstrued into something that wasn't true. She tracks down the aunt to find out what she heard to verify. Instead she gets the aunts daughter who said her mother called her from graduation to tell her the valedictorian didn't deserve it. She was at her friends house who she told over the info. That girl inturn told it over to her parents at the dinner table about how the girl stole the tests in order to get her high marks. The father made the comment that she should stay away from her and the family. The mother was like, stop, how do you know?? The father said if she steals, she learned it from someone. And it must be her father. So word went around and this poor girl was "unfit" to marry a ben torah. Her best friend went to her friend and said please I ask you for mechila it was me who said the comment. Her friend shrieked and ran out. Meanwhile to do good on her words many years ago, she tracked down every person who it was repeated to to tell them the truth about the girl. She wanted to find out who knew and who told who, so she can find every single person. Some cared, others brushed her off while others laughed at her. She finally ends up at the aunt of the boy who is refusing to let him date her. She explains the situation to her telling her it was not so. The aunt said she understands and will do what she can. You see that night she was there because her sister was too sick to attend her own daughters graduation. She was so upset that some people have things all so easy. Then she heard these words and blew it out of proportion. She implied that the girl stole the answers when in reality all that was ment was the girl actually has had a tutor to help her study and not that it comes so easy for her.
They showed how the best friend takes her kids to the ocean and opens a pillow. Gives the two girls a feather and told them to hold on tight while all the other feathers are blown high and low and across the entire ocean. This is how far you words go, all around the world and you cannot take it back.
In the end the girl forgives her best friend because she realized it was not entirely her fault. But it does not show whether or not she gets married or what happens.
This is the gist of it. It was really powerful, and I see why the CCHF has been promoting it around. If you are female, go ahead try to catch the next showing..it is something to think about.
Who knows what you say and what is overheard by someone. You can say the most innocent comment and someone misconstrue it. Be careful. I guess it is back to another issue, when complimenting one person, you can indeed hurt someone else.
Be careful of your words!

So it's the last Thursday of November and my office is very very quiet. Except for the little guy squealing and the printer humming and the other guy who is here. Yup. It is Thanksgiving today and I am at work with my baby and co-worker. It is weird being here all by myself. Yeah, I was here with the baby for a while until the other person showed up. The entire floor is quiet and the phones aren't ringing, and it is just eerie. I don't think I would do this on a regular basis, and can't imagine my boss doing this nightly and Sundays!

Why am I here? I must have blogged about how things work here. I just felt that if I take off for my holidays, why shouldn't I come in when it is not mine? Also, there is not much to do at home the kids are in school half a day, and stores are closed. So might as well work and use this day another day like on Channukah or something like that! I am entitled to it, and I will probably use it before the end of the year, (I hope, because I don't think it rolls over).

I have plenty of work to do even if I left some home. I should do it, but I am here instead for now. The quietness gives me time to ponder different thoughts. Yesterday I had a discussion with the girls who work for me. What they do on Thanksgiving and the other holidays. Something to think about. I mean, after all, they ask me all the time about the Yomim Tovim and I get to explain to them. One of the two comes from a really religious family. They spend all morning in Church. She told me she is not supposed to listen to music other than her music. She is not supposed to wear pants and live with her boyfriend. Obviously she is not practicing, but her father is very strict. She is supposed to go to Church every week, but doesn't always make it. And she grew up not getting dressed up for Halloween and still doesn't. What caught my attention, was how similar our lives are. She has rules of her religion. I have rules of my religion. We both know the rules. We understand them. That is about it. I respect and follow them, she respects them but does not follow. But what the difference between the her and other people that I know, she is open about her beliefs and practices. She openly tells me that she is supposed to do this or not do it, but she chose not to and is fine with it. She doesn't hide her actions. Unlike a lot of people I know, or read their blogs, we tend to hid the wrong doings. If we are not allowed to do something and we do it anyway, we hide it. It seems that we are embarrassed by it, or we don't know how to accept someone who has desire not to follow our beliefs.

Do we not know how to handle people who differ from us? Do we know what to say to them? Or do we just try to bury it under the carpet, back of the closet? Or different city? Do we try to hide the things that are wrong from others so that we can appear perfect? I just don't understand. We have rules and obligations. A code to follow. If we don't follow we are shunned. Is this a correct way to live?

The next question that aroused was about being pregnant and not married. How can I explain that this doesn't happen? Of course it happens, enough that we know about it. Chances that we take..Which brings us back to the previous paragraph about how we are to those who want to experience life differently than the way they were brought up. What do we do? Do we force the two to get married so the child has two parents at birth? We are open to divorces where some religions are not. We do agree that we don't always make the right decision or things do not work out, and there is a way out. Other religions frown upon divorces and make it almost impossible to obtain one. And if you do obtain one, you cant remarry in the Church. Who is correct? Is it okay to bring the child in being married and then divorce, so the child grows up in a divorced home? Is it better to not get married to the guy? I didn't have an answer for these girls at work. I never encountered such, and therefore don't know what others who have been in these situations have done.

While my office is out on vacation today giving thanks to whomever they feel like, and watching a game on T.V. of in the local stadium, I am here at work giving my thanks for my life. We are different, very different from one another different views on life...Yet, there are still certain things that are the same.

Enjoy your Turkey dinner, or your Chinese food, or a typical Frum house...Enjoy your Pizza tonight!!

Can I interest you in....

a raffle??
Grand Prize is
choice of the following:
2005 Grand Caravan
2005 Toyota Camry
2005 Jeep Liberty

Second Prize: Sterling Silver Menorah or Candelabrum ($1500 value)
Third Prize: Sony Mini camcorder dcr-trv22 ($750 value)

tickets are
1/$50
3/$100

this is part of my school obligation...must raise $1000
help me out...if you can!!
email, or post info so I can contact you if you want to buy..
Thanks!!

????????????/

Why? Why? Why? Why do I let my curiosity get the better of me? A friend told me something and that led me to do research on it that I will never figure out, yet I chose to attempt to crack the code. Why does it bother me so much?

Does the issue itself bother me more or is it the concept that there is something that I don't now but was led to know about it just a little. That there is something there that I do not know. I don't get it! And now it is bothering me.

I don't expect to know everything, but I hate being told that there is something I don't know and will never know for whatever reason. Let me be ignorant about it and don't tell me. But why tell me something that will just bother me...And now it is on my mind. What could possibly be the big deal here? Why so secretive? Why no clue up until now? Why? Why? Why?aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhh. Now I am going to go sulk...

Interesting, Tell me What you Think!!

November 3, 2004
Striking Matches: Star-K Partnering with Shadchanim
The newest member of the Star-K “family” will not bear the familiar Star-K logo - not on a label, not on a plumba. In fact, this reflects the uniqueness of our non-profit lay organization, and, perhaps, explains our essence. Yes, milk and meat matters are only a part of Star-K’s commitment in serving the kosher consumer the world over. However, research and education of all “non-edible” mitzvos, from shatnes to Sabbath mode appliances, is a priority at Star-K, as well.The mitzvah of marriage, sparking a “kosher match”, and providing an incentive for shadchanim, is the newest focus of Star-K. Attempting to do its part to alleviate the universal singles “crisis” the American Orthodox community is experiencing, Star-K is offering a $2,000 cash “gift” for the successful shidduchim of women in Baltimore’s Orthodox community - Star-K’s hometown. This is an additional incentive, on top of the customary shadchanus from the parents of the choson and kallah. According to Rabbi Moshe Heinemann, Rabbinic Administrator of the Star-K, “The concept of offering monetary incentives to promote shidduchim is sanctioned by Chazal” (See Rosh, Kedushin 30b, paragraph 43).The ProblemIf you are a single woman, or the parents of daughters, chances are you, better than anyone, understand the problem. The eligible bachelor seems to have a long list of potential marriage partners. The eligible bachelorette sits patiently by the telephone, hoping that it will ring with a suggestion of a possible suitor. As the telltale saying goes in shadchanus: “A boy needs a secretary, a girl needs an agent.”There are various theories as to why this problem exists. Whatever the reasons, the fact remains that the singles population is getting larger and older. Thousands of single Jewish women, of all ages, who are shomrei Torah and mitzvos, are finding it difficult to find a suitable match. There are many single observant Jewish women in Baltimore, whose numbers are on the increase. A significant number of divorcees and widows, contribute to these statistics, as well.National organizations, such as the Agudath Israel of America and the National Council of Young Israel, have long recognized the worsening problem, which is contributing to the emotional pain of our singles. Agudath Israel of America, together with N’Shei Agudath Israel, addressed this issue at the annual National Agudah Convention, in establishing the New York based shidduch agency, Invei Hagefen. Similarly, since 2001, the National Council of Young Israel initiated an annual Shidduchim conference for singles, marrieds, parents, and, matchmakers to help tackle the challenge. Other Orthodox organizations have recognized the crisis and are doing their part by introducing programs that facilitate the matchmaking process.Star-K’s ContributionThe Star-K is attempting to help remedy the Baltimore singles situation, which is typical of that in Orthodox communities throughout the United States. It is offering the $2,000 cash incentive for a period of one year, to anyone who successfully arranges a shidduch for a woman in Baltimore’s Orthodox community. Star-K hopes that b’ezras Hashem, its gift will act as a dual incentive: for professional shadchanim, worldwide, to put Baltimore women on the top of their singles lists, and for “would-be shadchanim” and acquaintances to keep Baltimore women in mind.
According to Dr. Avrom Pollak, President of Star-K, “What we are hoping to accomplish is to get anyone--living in any community--who knows a Baltimore single woman, to make that extra effort in arranging an introduction with a suitable eligible man.”
For the shadchan of a successful shidduch to qualify for this gift, the following conditions apply:
The single woman must be at least 22-years and 2-months old at the time the engagement is announced. There is no upper age limit.
Widows and divorcees are included.
The couple must be committed to observing the laws of kashrus, Shabbos, and taharas hamishpacha.
Parents, grandparents, children, siblings, sibling-in-laws, and aunts and uncles of the single women are not eligible for the gift. Cousins and other relatives who arrange a shidduch are eligible.
A Baltimore woman is defined as:
Her parents must have lived in Baltimore for one year and have purchased a house there, or have rented a dwelling there for two years. If she lives in Baltimore alone, without family, she must have lived in Baltimore for two years (student years do not count).
A Baltimorean living in New York or elsewhere, for less than two years, whose parents are presently living in Baltimore, is eligible.
Requests for payment of the Star-K gift must be made, in writing, by the shadchan to Star-K (122 Slade Avenue, Suite 300, Baltimore, MD, 21208), within 30 days of the engagement. Both sets of parents, or both the choson and kallah, must confirm who the shadchan or shadchanim are.
If more than one person was involved in the introduction of the couple, the $2,000 award will be divided amongst the parties according to traditional guidelines. For example, if one person thought of the idea and asked a professional to arrange it, the one who thought of it gets 1/3 of the shadchanus and the professional gets 2/3 of the shadchanus.
If the shidduch breaks up, chas v’shalom, before the wedding, Star-K is exempt from paying the gift.
Payment of the gift will be made by Star-K within 30 days after the chasana.
The initial introduction of the couple (i.e., the first meeting of the couple) must not have been made prior to the starting date of this program, the first night of Chanukah, 5765 (December 7, 2004).
All disputes, e.g., who is the shadchan, questions regarding eligibility, etc., will be settled by Star-K Rabbinic Administrator, Rabbi Moshe Heinemann, shlita, whose decision will be final.
“Although Star-K is initially funding this program for a one year period, we hope that it will be successful and that we will have the funding to continue,” says Dr. Pollak. “We also hope that Star-K will serve as an inspiration for organizations or individuals in other “out-of-town” communities to launch similar programs.”
Questions regarding this program should be forwarded to the Star-K office:122 Slade Avenue, Suite 300, Baltimore, Maryland 21208Telephone: (410) 484-4110. Fax: (410) 653-9294E-mail: shadchan@star-k.org

Can a Compliment Hurt Someone Else?

Okay with recent going ons, one important issue was brought up with no one acknowledging it in public. Does a compliment hurt someone else?
I mean when I compliment the person next to me on something, am I insulting the person next to her if I don't say anything? I am not trying to. What I am really trying to do is express my feelings to the person and make them feel good. I am not trying to hurt anyone. If by chance they overhear the compliment they can in tern feel slighted even if the speaker had not noticed that someone was overhearing the statement.
Recently, a friend of mine was complimented on a choice she has made. A group of us where voicing our opinions saying that the choice seems great. Then out of no where someone else decided that by saying that, we were saying that a similar choice she has made once before was wrong and went into a whole diatribe regarding how insulting it was to her judgment. Now, no one was mentioning that this was a better choice while the first option was a horrible idea and how could she have thought of it. What we were saying was plain and simple, "good for you, we are happy with your choice. You seem happy". Where does one come off saying that in reality it is an insult to her first choice??

It bothered me to no end, so I decided to ask a few people of different opinions usually and different genders. Guess what? They shocked me and made me rethink my entire point of view. They both said that yes, complimenting one person can indeed hurt someone else. I was taken aback. I do recall now, learning in high-school, that we should be careful when we do compliment people that we don't hurt someone who might overhear the statement. But at that point in time, I completely forgot and was ready to fight for what I believed in. I fought it. But to share with you what was told that by complimenting one person on her dress, you are without any words insinuating that the next person does not have a nice dress. There in no words...You have hurt someone! Go figure. Is that saying that we are being over sensitive and need to be careful with whatever we say because what we don't say can hurt the next?

I am not sure what I take out of this debate. I do realize that I might have been wrong when I ignored the plight that someone was insulted. I still think that was a hoax and not a real situation. I just feel that the next time I want to compliment someone I will try to make sure that people who over hear the compliment cannot take it the wrong way, or better yet, compliment them as well.

So thank you to those of you who belonged to the independent study that I did. Some don't even read this..Yet they know about it. I will now pass this message on to you dear readers. When complimenting people, be careful. You never know who might get hurt when you pass those nice words along....